Keep some for yourself

Segment of one of my paintings from Chris Zydel's Intuitive painting sessions

Segment of one of my paintings from Chris Zydel’s Intuitive painting sessions

It’s so fascinating, being part of this social media landscape.  I’ve been talking for a while about how my Monday night intuitive painting sessions with Chris Zydel are such an anchor for me. And a few times in the past months people have said to me “you should share some of your painting on Instagram.” This was said in terms of my growing my business, and letting people into my life.  And so I have, only once or twice.  Really, my paintings are the end result of the process of my painting, I do not paint to have a painting at the end, I paint because it helps me ground and connect with my soul and spiritual guidance.  But I figured, what the hell, I can share what I paint once in a while.

Close up of a section of one of my paintings

Close up of a section of one of my paintings

Sometimes my paintings are akin to vomiting up all of the crap stored inside of me that just needs to get out, out, out.  Those I really have no desire to share.  Once I began looking at my paintings through the lens of sharing them, something happened.  I began to censor myself. I quite unconsciously started to create things that could be shared.  I didn’t even realize I had done that until I was feeling unwilling to add more paint to a painting last night, not because the painting was finished but because I didn’t want to ruin it. Ah. That is always the signal that the ego has come in and is making decisions about what is acceptable, what looks “good,” and what I am allowed to paint.

One of the painting sections that I posted on Instagram, it looks different now.

One of the painting sections that I posted on Instagram, it looks different now.

What happened was that posting and sharing my paintings actually took me out of my process and let my ego come in and call the shots.  Even the heart in the photo above is only part of the painting, there’s a big fat F-word painted right below it which is cropped out of the shot.  In showing everyone my painting, in order to show a window into myself, I was actually being less than authentic.  The heart you see is now partially covered by blood (red paint) and other worldly beings, because, for my healing and highest good, that’s what needed come out onto the paper.

Blank paper, ready to be painted on.

Blank paper, full of possibilities, ready to be painted on.

I really got through my painting last night, that everything isn’t for sharing, that some things are for keeping for myself.  For now, the only view of my paintings I’ll be sharing is the blank paper, full of possibilities. This is the only way I can continue to grow, evolve, and move forward in my spiritual practice and bringing my gifts out into the world.

I would really love to hear from you, what do you share, what do you keep for yourself?

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10 thoughts on “Keep some for yourself

  1. I love that you are keeping some for yourself. I’ve been doing that with family pictures and sacred moments. Even knowing I want to share them with certain folks, doesn’t mean that social media is the place to do it. “Keeping some of my medicine” for myself means I’m nourished so I can later give back to others. YOU taught me that! Thanks for sharing this great object lesson in saying no. (P.S. It’s also a great reminder when folks say you should do something, to ask if you want to should on yourself. 😉 )

  2. Monica, this is so true, how that sneaky ego gets back in and muddles up the creative process! The same thing happened to me with my doodle drawings I used to make at work during meetings. People always were commenting and saying I should sell them, etc, and pretty soon I was editing what I drew and feeling much less free. Glad you found your way back home pretty fast!

  3. This is so true, I tend not to show my pictures while they go through the awkward teenage phase, I had not thought of it as self sensorship till now. You have inspired me to show everything warts and all. (Artwork I mean – I am not planning any nudie shots lol)

    Thank you for sharing this.

  4. I create daily… I don’t share daily and I sure as s**t don’t share everything I create… I keep back waaaaaay more art than I share. There is a balance and I go by intuition about what to share and what to hold back… I never know when what I am sharing may be *just* the thing someone else needs to see to continue on their journey and I am simply a messenger.

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